Ultimater Force
by clivebastedkemp
Summary: When SAS legend Sgt Henno goes up against a gang trying to poison the town's drinks, little does he know he'll have to team up with an unlikely face to get the job done.
1. 1 - The Door

ULTIMATER FORCE - Part 1 the door

[EXT - Night]

Henno is sitting down with his new Colonel General Clive

Clive - Listen here Henno, Soviet Arabs have broken into the Redditch branch of Spar and are planning on poisoning the Lucozade. Literally millions of women, children and retards are in danger.

Henno - But sir, we can't just go in the front door all guns blazering, the terrorists are going to run off to a different convenience store and then we'll have to start looking all over again.

Clive - Now look here son, I've got 49 years experience dealing with the type of thing that's happening now, and you're just a bald.

Henno - You're not in charge any more

Clive - Ok, fine. But one day it could your nephew drinking that lucozade, and then he's gonna shitting out his insides right there by the cash machine.

Henno - I know what I'm doing, I'm Ultimate Force. Now, where are my trousers?

[EXT - Night]

That evening, Henno and the Ultimate Force are outside. The Spar. They are dressed in army guy clothes, except the lady one who is crying.

Henno - Look, I'm not doing what the captain general said, we're not doing this full frontal. We're going in the back way. Stop crying.

Woman army guy - I'm just thinking of all those poor orphans who won't be getting their lucozade this week.

Henno - If we don't stop what these bad men want to do then they'll be getting a lot more than no fizzy drink. Right, let's jump over the fence and then go in with ultimate FORCE.

INT - SPAR

There's a large bang at the door, and then there is no door. Henno runs in, yelling at the top of his voice

Henno - SHOOT THE MEN! SHOOT THEM IN THE BALLS! LOOK THAT ONE S GOT A GUN ALSO SHOT HIM!"

Man Army Guy - Oh no, I tried to shot him, but he shoot me and now I can't get up

Henno - Woman, save him, I'm still trying to shoot my big gun.

Woman - I can't, I died because I stood too close to the door when you blew it up with ultimate force.

Henno - BRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Henno shoots the guy. Then there's a bottle of lucozade that might fall.

Henno - Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Henno misses it and bottle shatters.

Henno - Well shit, guess this was the wrong spa. These bad men must still be there!

[To be continued]


	2. Chapter 2 - Sexy Backup

ULTIMATE FORCE 11 - Sexy backup

U

[EXT - Inside the Spar]

Henno stares down at the broken bottle of the lucozade. It is a metaphor for the broken bodies of the woman and her man, who also died because of the shooting.

Henno - Well, looks like the only one I can trust… is me

Heno gets out a phone from the bag he stole of one off the bad guys

Henno [ON PHONE] - Hello, is this Kay Burley? This is me, your boyfriend, Henno. You're the only one I can trust. Can you come down here? I'm in the Spar. No, the spar. Okay, see you in 8 minutes

Ross spends the next 8 minutes collecting bullets off the dead men and going to the toilet

Then, Kay Burley jumps over the cash register

Key burley - Henno, my man, what's wrong? You sounded like a bad thing happened on the telephone.

Henno - It's the Soviet Arabs General Captain Clive told me about. Oh, what a fool I've been, I should have listened to him always and not being a prick. You should be with him., I go now.

Kay - Don't go now. Where did they go to? We'll get them back and then you can use ultimate force on them… and then nme.

Henno - Ok/. Well judging from that thing that happened in the previous episode, they probably went to the bad guy hideout, in the abandoned construction docks on top of that skyscraper. Shall we lets go?

Kay - I haven't got my car with me, because I can't drive.

Henno - Then we'll take my horse. I left him tied up outside Bargain Booze.

Kay Put that big thing between my legs and lets go

They get to bargain booze, and go inside to buy some peanuts

[to be cont]


	3. Chapter 3 - The search for happy

ULTIMATE FORCE 3 - The search for happy

[EXT - Bargain Booze]

Ross - Ok, let's go get them!

Kay - I'm scared Henno. I don't do things like this, I just read the news and look pretty. Can a woman like me really control the ultimate force?

Henno - With my bbe, anything is ultimate force.

Kay - Then let's go, and get rid of this quiet scene of self reflection I've been having.

Henno - Then let's ride that horse.

Kay - Wait, you said the horse was here. But it is not here. Why are you lying to me again?

Henno - Relax my woman, it's at the other bargain booze, near Parsonage Avenue

Kay - But you told me you'd stop going there. That's the one SHE goes to.

Henno - But I like that one. The other one, which I will remind you we are still outside, is strange, and the man in there smells like TCP.

Kay - You said you'd stop going there after I told you to stop watching that other newsreader.

Henno - But I'm only one man, I don't care about Fiona Bruce, and no one does. It's not my fault she lives above bargain booze!

Kay - We'll talk about this later, after we've won the ultimate force of the Soviet Arabs

Henno - Fine, but don't think this is over. Nothing is ever over when you're in the army.

They walk down the road. Then, a mugger appears

Mugger - Give me all your money and let me rape that person you're with

Kay - You leave him alone!

Henno - Look mate, don't make me kick you in the balls

Mugger - Fine, ok, whatever

Henno kicks him in the balls then runs away really fast

Henno - Come on Kay, think of it like war reporting, but in redditch!

Kay - Look, there's the horse!

Kay and Henno get on the horse and then gallop away over the rooftops

[to be continued]


	4. Chapter 4 - Deadly Water

Ultimate Force For - Deadly Water

[EXT - Night]

Ross and Kay are riding on the horse towards where the bad men have the ultimate force. They have ridden over 800 miles, to Nuneaton. They are at the fence to the front of the construction skyscraper dock.

Henno - Come on Happy, one more fence and we're there.

His horse is called Happy

Kay - We're not going to make it!

Henno - Shut up, he can make it

He doesn't make it. The horse runs straight into the fence and they fall over

Henno - You stupid fucking horse

[Ross Kemp punches the horse in the face until it dies]

Kay Burley - Well now what do we do. We can't jump over the fence buy ourself. It's nearly 5 feet tall.

Henno - YOU RE nearly five feet tall. Also there's a door there.

[They go through the door]

Right, we need to go through that underground car park up there. Then, when we get in their their will be a bad man who will shoot us. So you'll need this.

Kay - But I've never fired a gun in a car park before.

Henno - Just imagine it's a water pistol, that shoots deadly water.

Kay - Then what do we do?

Henna - Then, we climb up to the top, where the Soviet Arab king is. From there, we can climb up his face to get to the ultimate force before they do.

Kay - I bet you wish you had your old team of ultimate force with you

Henno - Yeah, I'll never forget their names. I will avengers them!

Kay - Ok, let's go get that ultimate force

Henno - Oh, and before we go

[Henno and Kay Burley have sex]


	5. Chapter 5 - The Twist

ULTIMATER FORCE v - the twist

[EXT - CAR PARK]

Henno - GO GOGOGOGOGOGOGOOOGOGOGO!

Kay - He's shooting at you!

Henno - Not for long!

Henno shoots his gun and the man dies

Henno - Well, that was easy

Kay - Easier than you expected?

Henno - A bit

Henno and Kay start climbing up the side of the building.

Kay - Oh my god, this is nearly the highest i've ever climbed up a building before

Henno - Don't worry, only 9 more floors to go

[INT = Ninth floor]

Henno - So then, here you are

King - Maybe. You may have gotten past my one guard, but you'll never get the ultimate force

Henno - Well, looks like you're outnumbered. There's one of you, and one of me/ And Kay Burley

King - Well, let me introduce you to someone else!

The King takes off his crown

Henno - Oh my god, it's you!

King - Yes, it's me. You thought I died in the spar, but actually I just pretended to be dead, so I could lure you into my trap. And now you've got no bullets left in your gun.

Kay - You forgot about my gun. I shoot you now

[He dies]

Henno - Well, it turns out you had the ultimate force all along.

Kay - I learned from the best

Clive - Ah, there you are. Now, let's all go back home to the station.

Henno - Ok, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you earlier

Clive - That's ok, you won in the end, and the only people who died were the bad guys and all your team.

[laughter]

THE END


End file.
